A Dismembered Slumber Poet (a self communication)

May 31, 2016

I noticed that your life loosely flows in seven to nine year patterns. It’s why you’re sleeping again every night in a tent, similar to the way you were in 2009. You’re drawn to certain rhythms that bring comfort. Frogs and insects induce song that matches your sleep pattern. You listen for the owl every night and drift in the communication. Wind, rain, and thunder are necessary components that you sleep through peacefully. Even a distant train or the murmur of neighbors are patterns of harmony that you might not experience in more enclosed shelter. The song birds and sun wake you up. You absolutely need more fire. You’re indulging in elements.

Most humans close to you, and all animals, know that you’ve been through a hell of a time. You’ve embraced pain gracefully, in a way that purging will bring out your best, rather than your worst. The tragedy has enabled you to understand how humans communicate when grieving, and will allow you to pass on that strength when others need it. It’s a healing path of kindness and giving.

Grieving is a sign of strength, not weakness. It shows that your true character valued the loss, and that truth was the ultimate component. If character and truth are salvaged, then all future paths or obstacles will be tested based on this value. It’s incredibly healthy.

Day to day you’ve had your strengths and weaknesses, but you’ve sought out the appropriate counsel among friends and family. They are your tribe. When the emotional bubble fills, and has gotten beyond heavy, you’ve figured out how to deflate it with necessary wisdom. Fellowship with friends has been the key. One of your best pieces of advice has been to set no time limits on grieving. Everyone purges at their own pace, and when you’re carrying the weight of empathy, not only for yourself, but others, there’s no schedule for having an emotional grasp on the situation. You may never actually be done grieving, but in the long term, you will be healthier every day, no matter how long the days seem. Anyone who thinks you should just get over it can fuck off.

When you reach one of those points where you feel really good and comfortable, appreciate the moment, but guard yourself. You’re going to relapse. You’re riding a wave, but keep the calm moments in mind. They’re more frequent as time passes.

You’ve discovered an incredible gift, and it’s your ability to read people. You are fluent in the languages of tone, pace, body, and micro-expressions. Unfortunately there are times when you dismiss this gift, in order to avoid your own truths. You’ll have to be stronger than that. It isn’t necessary to use this understanding for judgment, but rather for protection, and the ability to offer solid counsel.

You’ve evaluated advice as a healthy thinker. While in a practical sense, terms like “at least you know now” might be true, the details of the experience are too fresh in the mind of the one suffering, and the comment cannot be processed. It’s solid wisdom to understand this when helping others. You’re struggling with the comment that there is no right or wrong, but only love. How can that be when the grievance is clear and has not been amended? The answer or argument will manifest over the course of time, with emotional maturity at its core.

You’ve done something nice for yourself every day, and that helps. People under duress like this usually follow one of two directions… eating too little, or eating too much. While you fall into the first category, the result of this purging has burned a lot of unwanted residents on you frame. You now have the opportunity to ride a wave of healthy living. It has been a good move to at least acquire one protein a day, and activity will inspire strength in both body and mind.

Smoking is a dilemma. While it’s notably unhealthy, the ritual creates slices of time that you set aside for yourself. The contemplation is healthy, while the vice is not. You’ll quit when you’re ready.

It is an excellent move that you do not wallow in sad songs, but rather choose anthems that are not situationally specific. Sapokanikan is a good example of this. Lyrically it’s about remembrance and loss, but the subliminal nature of the song rings with hope, if only to you, and you need that right now.

While a beer or two can take the edge off, and inspire elements of creativity, multiple cocktails can send you to dark places. You experienced this once and regretted it. Since then your moderation has been commendable, as many self medicate in this way, and it impedes their recovery.

You’re a grounded satellite, falling from an unstable orbit, with the understanding that you’ll be creating your own gravity. Satellites will revolve around you, and you’ll nurture their progress until they create their own magnitude. You were thriving without support, and you’ll thrive and note the benefits of being appreciated. This is why you find comfort in reviving or revising your career path, killing debt once and for all, and committing to a homestead with your authorship.

You are terrible at some things, but it mostly has to do with the way you treat yourself, and allow yourself to be treated. This will be examined fully, but for now let’s strike your occupational doormat status off your life resumé forever.

Your photography is flat but will return in remarkable ways. The relationship of writing and photography will be close knit, as you’ve been avoiding writing way too long. It is your stronger voice, even if it’s only useful to you.

Lastly, forgiveness is golden. I know there are many aspects of forgiveness that you have not resolved, but it is the unknown that will put you back together, trust intact, with a stronger soul, serving as an honorable example to your tribe.

Are you there yet? Let me know.